There’s an element of self-discovery on all our travels. The journey, more often than not, isn’t just a literal one. We’re put into situations that we probably wouldn’t find ourselves in if we’d stayed in the familiar bubble of home; where if anything goes wrong there will always be a safety net to catch your fall.
To be honest I didn’t see a huge change in myself when I left Australia after two years of working and travelling there.
I arrived in 2010, fresh faced and open-minded and yes I did find myself completely out of my comfort zone more times than I can remember but when I left in 2012 I didn’t feel much different to when I’d arrived, I just knew a lot more about travelling and a lot more about the kind of life I want to make for myself.
I’d seen and experienced so much but I was still basically the same person, just 2 years older. Those experiences, good and bad, did help shape me but underneath I didn’t feel much different.
Underneath, in all honesty, was a highly-strung 26 year old who didn’t think before opening her mouth, who had a low tolerance threshold. Who’d been with her partner for so long that during those 6 years she’d, at some point, become half of something instead of a whole person.
I was so afraid of losing the person who was most important to me that I became someone I didn’t want to be. I had no confidence in myself or my body. I was frustrated with things all the time.
I needed something big to happen.
And it did. My relationship with the person I’d been with since I was 20 ended while I was still finding my feet in New Zealand. I was more of a mess than I can even explain to you here but, it happened.
And this is why I’m so afraid to leave in May when I will spend 3 months at home in England before moving to Thailand to teach English.
In New Zealand, I have found ‘me’ again. I notice it every single day. I’ll be hanging out with the friends I’ve made here and realise that I’m being the person I was years ago.
I’m easy-going again when I before I was so up-tight. I’m independent when I was so used to relying on someone else. Instead of hiding away I have forged important friendships. I’m giving people a chance instead of silently judging all their flaws. I’m calmer and more grateful.
I am not a perfect person but I’m starting to come out of my shell a bit more and not worry so much about what people think about me.
And perhaps most importantly, I’m stronger than I ever, ever was.
I hope I don’t lose this when I leave.
I see this change in myself but worry that it’s only a reflection on the life I’ve made here and because of the people I spend my time with.
I don’t want to undo everything I have done to move on with my life. And moving on, as with all break-ups, has definitely had its ups and downs.
But in my heart I know that all good things have to come to an end. My friends will carry on with their travels and leave for other countries. The lease will end on my apartment.
I will give notice on my gym membership, leave my job, have my last coffee in that place I love on Lorne St and hope that I can leave all of this behind and still be the same person.
Have you ever experienced this before on your travels?
Hi Beverley,
I could relate to many things in this post – particularly the difficulty of leaving a place. My husband and I are getting ready to leave Japan (which has been our home for four years) to set out on other travels. Japan is the place that has made us the people we are today and is where we have spent almost all our married life. There’s that feeling of leaving something so good and thinking “Can things be the same in another place?” The reality is that things probably won’t be quite the same – but all the important things like your outlook on life and your strength of character travels with you, and sometimes we need to challenge ourselves in new environments in order to grow even further beyond what we thought was already a good place in our lives. Good luck on your new adventure. Soon you’ll have your favorite coffee place in Thailand too
Jessica Korteman recently posted..Open Travel Diary: Letting Go
First off, loved this post! Having made two 2-year-long moves in the last 4 years (Miami to Chicago, Chicago to São Paulo), my experience is that despite the changes you undoubtedly go through when you’re in new surroundings, the person you become doesn’t necessarily get left behind when you move. Sure, New Zealand was a catalyst for the changes you made, but the real change had to come from within. There’s no reason leaving should change that. I’m sure Thailand will bring bigger challenges and greater experiences. Safe travels
Juan Cifrian recently posted..HOW TO IMMERSE YOURSELF WHEN LIVING ABROAD
It’s a really touching post and I recognize a lot of my feelings in your story. But don’t worry, once we made such a big step, we never go back.
You will never hide yourself again. On the contrary, you will be more and more able to be yourself, just yourself, I am totally convinced about this.
Take care… And it’s always nice to read you. Thanks for sharing so much!
Musa recently posted..Série voyage sac à dos: la Thaïlande
I don’t think it was New Zealand that made you discover “you” again, I think it was the breakup, which could’ve happened anywhere. If it had happened in Australia or Thailand, I think your feelings and emotions and changes would’ve been the same. Going through a big life change like that will always alter your perspective for the long term, no matter where you are when it happens.
Kaylin recently posted..Day 20: Snow is All Around You
I agree with Kaylin. As someone who’s been through a breakup while living abroad, and then moved to Shanghai, Singapore, and now Paris, I’ve learned it’s the people we meet and the experiences we have (like breakups) that change us more than any one place on its own.
I was terrified to leave my first expat city for the same reasons you don’t want to leave NZ. But it turns out that was only just the beginning and now I feel even better about who I am today than who I was then. Chin up, this is only the beginning!
Edna recently posted..To the people of Azerbaijan
Glad you’re feeling good again Bevster…now your that person you can’t go back, you’ve grown out of those trains of thought and now the world is your oyster…quite literally!
Chris recently posted..10 Things I’ve Learnt From a Year of Backpacker Travel
The truth is that you probably wont be the same person but in the end you will take everything you developed in NZ and you will likely evolve again. Nothing changed me more than moving abroad, I am so different from the girl who wanted to live out her life in Cardiff, morals change and you will simply just keep changing.
George recently posted..2012 in Destinations
I definitely understand where you’re coming from. But now that you’ve “found” yourself again, I’m sure you can hold on to that identity, no matter where in the world you are. And, if you start to lose it, simply come back and read this post!
Amanda recently posted..What’s in My Backpack: Summer and Winter in One Trip
Love your reflections! I felt very similarly before I left Australia to return to the US, and I actually cried a little every night my last two months there. I wasn’t ready to go home and had quite a few fears (http://theresnoplacelikeoz.com/planreflect/time-to-go-home/).
I hope you enjoy every last minute in NZ and that your journey forward continues to reveal the you that you want to be.
Heather recently posted..4 goals for 2012 — how did I do?
Hi Beverley! Thank you very much for this great post! I went through the same situation when travelling and working abroad.
I struggled for a while with the fears of being lonely and the unknown. When I moved for working abroad the first time, I was faced to my fear. I felt very lonely at the beginning – even if I had the opportunity to talk on Skype with my family and friends. I was looking up some advice on the Internet how other people overcame this situation and ended up addressing my issues to an online life coach (I can recommend Your24hCoach) to get me some help and tips. I got a lot of very good and interesting advice and above all interesting insights in subjects of communications skills. The main message was to do anything surrounding you with people and communicating with them. I can recommend you too move in a shared accommodation whit people sharing a similar background like you do. So you have already a basis of relationships on which you can build on. It really helped me to develop my own personality and the ability to communicate with people. I can recommend it to everyone! Just do it – it makes you stronger!
I think many of us can relate to these feelings. It’s always hard to leave a place that we feel has done so much for us.
Suzy recently posted..The Joys of Hotel Deal Sleuthing
An inspiring story and at the end of the day, New Zealand will always be there for you wont it!? Good luck with the upcoming adventures in Thailand, Im sure many doors will open for you there! (teach in Chiang Mai!)
Ash Clark recently posted..Farm Living And Life Lessons On A Belgium Organic Farm
I think you’re a lot stronger than you think. A new country, a new adventure, a new story to write. I can’t wait to follow you on this new journey!
Charlotte recently posted..Notes on German – Beating Myself Up
That is a great post, Beverly! And I am sure that going to yet again new places will help you fid yourself yet again. After all, you describe how it was routine that made you lose yourself in the first place. I wish you the best of luck on your way!
Mariella recently posted..“Eastern Europe? Why???”